I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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