Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
The power of my boobs compel you
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Randomize
