I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
