If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
