Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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