Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
