Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
