One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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