I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
