I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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