In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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