Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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