instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
