haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
