Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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