Cold hands, warm shart.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
