actually, I'm a sock model
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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