I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
