I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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