Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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