I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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