I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
