My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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