you would pick up someone in the library
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
