so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
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my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
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