I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
