Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
