I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
