You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
