i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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