yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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