To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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