I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
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