how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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