just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
