If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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