He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Randomize
