Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
