Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Randomize
