When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you traded sex for a burrito?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
