I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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