I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
