Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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