The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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