It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
