drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Randomize
