Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
