The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
