I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
