I was born with a shot glass in my hand
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
