Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
