Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
