i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
