yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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