I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i would punch a child for taco bell
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
