I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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