i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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